Body image, jogging and the inevitable self-comparison to "the other girl"

So something pretty unpleasant happened to me the other night. There I was, on a lovely date night with my gorgeous boyfriend when it happened: the dreaded wine mouth. Half a bottle of vino and a couple of cocktails in and, against my better judgement, I decided to gently introduce the topic of "the other girl". I'm pretty sure all of us loved up ladies have encountered this phenomenon at one point or another- that girl that your boyfriend/girlfriend talks to/snapchats/mentioned, like, once, and that you all of a sudden decide is your competition and therefore public enemy #1. I'd identified my "other girl" several months before things got serious with Boyf, and up until recently she really hadn't bothered me. In fact, I'd paid her very little mind at all. However, after a particularly chocolate-fuelled Easter and the addition of a few unwelcome pounds to my waistline, "other girl" started making her presence felt. My growing contempt for myself, my body, my laziness, my flabby bits and my general all-round vileness, as I saw it, led me to start wondering: why wouldn't my lovely boyfriend hanker for something far more refined, beautiful and exotic than plain, lumpy, bespectacled me?

Now, in my case, "other girl" does have a specific identity- she does exist, and she has plenty of fabulous features for me to compare myself to (you go girl). However, I think for a lot of girls, maybe "other girl" is a woman in a film, a magazine, a porno. Maybe for some of us, "other girl" is anyone who isn't us. The fact that my "other girl" is real and close by is largely irrelevant- I don't feel threatened by her because I actually think Boyf is interested, but because I see things in her that I don't see in me, and these are things that I want. Things that I feel would surely make me more attractive and desirable. I am, in short, comparing myself to her and falling way, way short. 

During the inevitable argument that followed my mentioning of "other girl" to Boyf (who, I should point out, has very little experience of or with women) it became clear to me that he was totally baffled by the idea that I might feel this way. It literally did not make sense to him that I even imagined him having an interest in someone else. He has no concept of the amount of self-loathing, comparing and worrying that goes hand in hand with many females' self image. So I started to wonder; why do I feel this way, and what can I do to stop it?

Enter jogging. Anyone who knows me knows that I am violently allergic to exercise, or in fact anything that requires me to break a sweat. I HATE it. However, following a particularly inspiring item on an episode of ITVs This Morning last week about larger ladies engaging in the wonderful activity of jogging, I decided it was something that I could maybe use to combat this "other girl" syndrome that has crept into my subconscious of late. I thought that maybe, if I faced the humiliation that I so often feel when I attempt to exercise in public, said "fuck you" to all the (imaginary) people that laughed at me as I staggered along and did something purely for myself, maybe I could eventually stop comparing myself to any and all of the "other girls" out there and just feel comfortable to be in my own skin doing what I want to do. And you know what? I might have only ventured out twice (for less than ten minutes at a time but let's not talk about that) and I might have just stuffed my face with an obscene amount of Indian food and I might already be planning the Belgian bun that I'm going to eat for breakfast tomorrow, but I genuinely feel better already. Corny though it sounds, I have taken back control of my body and my thoughts and decided that I'm not going to compare myself anymore. I'm not trying to lose weight (though I won't complain if I do) or change my body or mould myself to what I think Boyf wants, and I'm definitely not trying to be more like "other girl". Whether I like it or not, I'm always going to have shit eyesight, I'll always burn instead of tanning when the sun is out, and I'll always have a massive arse. I'm just taking a step in the right direction to help make me feel better about myself, giving myself a challenge that has previously scared me, and slowly but surely beginning to accept myself as I am. 

Bye bye, "other girl". 

Three months on

Well, I did it again. It's been three months since I last posted, and I've returned to some lovely interactions with my blog! Even though it's only a few comments, knowing that my blog is being read makes it worth coming back to.

I think what I was struggling most with was the expectations that I was placing upon myself- I was on Bloglovin' browsing all of the fabulous, glamorous beauty posts that all of the fabulous, glamorous bloggers were creating, and I felt like that was how I had to blog if I wanted mine to be a success, even though I have absolutely zero knowledge or interest in those kinds of things. So I had a bit of a crisis of confidence and gave up.

However, over the last few weeks I've had some ideas that I've been desperate to write about but have been unable to find the right platform to do so- cue me remembering the lovely blogging community and my total neglect of my little writing space. So here I am, back and ready to put some of my thoughts down on paper. Ish. 

So expect a slight change in angle from the blogging that is to come, as I attempt to embrace my very own writing style, topics, interests and lifestyle. Thanks for your continued interest!

Laura xo

Belated Christmas round up

Hi guys! It's been a while. I got so busy with all the last minute preps for the festive season that I just stopped having the time to blog- sorry! I hope you all had a lovely christmas. 

A couple of favourite festive photographic moments:

1. My beautiful Tree of Life necklace from my best friend Emma, and my fabulous No. 7 glitterball nails 

I was obsessed with this nail polish throughout the festive season. I got it in my No. 7 advent calendar, applied it and promptly proceeded to inflict it on the nails of everyone else around me too!

2. Jamie Oliver's vegetable Wellington 

I've been eating less and less meat lately and wanted to make a really nice vegetarian option for Christmas dinner. It was absolutely delicious, and even better reheated on Boxing Day!

3. A short but sweet visit to my dad in my hometown

Chilling out at my dads house in Colchester was fabulous. We watched classic Christmas movies and cuddled cats. I also did my first long distance drive which was super scary/rewarding!

Hope you all had a fabulous holiday. Here's to an excellent 2015!

Travel nostalgia - Krakow

When I was 19, I was lucky enough to be able to travel around Europe for a month with a friend, visiting 10 countries, mostly focusing on Eastern Europe. Of course, the experience was incredible at the time but it all went so quickly that it was difficult to really take it all in and appreciate what I was seeing and doing- we were experiencing entire capital cities within a three day time period before packing up and moving to the next place, nine times over. It's only been in the three years since that I've been able to really make sense of the amazing experiences that I had.

One of the places that has stuck with me in particular is Krakow. Despite the fact that I didn't take much notice of the city whilst on my travels, there are times in my day to day life where I get a real pang of wishing I was back there. My inter-rail trip was actually the second time I'd been to Krakow, as I had visited with my college history group when I was 17, and I'd really loved it then as we'd visited in the winter months. Visiting in the summer of 2011 just didn't quite have the same impact on me as it did first time round.

However, there really is just something about Poland, and Krakow in particular. On my first visit, my prior connotations of the country meant that I was expecting a totally grey, drab landscape and a pretty soulless atmosphere. I was visiting with the main aim of travelling to Auschwitz and going to the various other historical memorials, which probably didn't help the cheerfulness of my expectations. Upon landing, my first impressions pretty much confirmed what I'd expected- being early November, the weather was dismal and the landscape uninviting. However, once our coach arrived into Krakow itself, the atmosphere was little short of magical. The locals, even just those walking past us in the street, were so incredibly friendly and proud of their city, giving us recommendations of places to visit and wishing us an enjoyable stay. The architecture is quite intimidating, an impression enhanced by the endless expanses of graffiti, but hidden in back streets are beautiful gems of Polish charm, fantastic bars and pubs, and moving historical monuments and areas of interest. The Jewish Ghetto was easily my favourite area, not just for the beautiful memorials but for the calm, peaceful and reflective atmosphere that fills its streets. It's a feeling that's really hard to describe unless you've been there.

Rynek Glowny, or 'Grand Square', is the area of Krakow the people are most familiar with. Home to the famous Cloth Hall, gift shops, chocolatiers and restaurants, it's the hub of the city and is always bustling with people. During my winter visit, I made a beeline for the quaint market stalls and luxurious looking chocolate shops, giving my stay a decidedly festive feeling. However, when I visited in July two years later, the atmosphere of Rynek Glowny was totally different. I spent my time dipping my feet into the water fountain, watching street performers and wandering around the various green spaces just off the main stretch. However, the underlying olde-worlde atmosphere still remained, retaining the charm that I'd fallen in love with the first time around.

So really, my reason for writing this post is because I am currently experiencing a great pang of missing Krakow. Despite a somewhat less 'magical' second visit (maybe because I'd visited before), the city seems to have made a little space for itself in my heart and I absolute adore it. If you haven't been and ever get the chance to, take it- it's a real grower.

Christmas makes: Chutney

So as I've already mentioned, this christmas has been all about homemade, and mostly home making things I've never made before such as chutney. One thing you should probably know about me is that I am one of the worlds most impatient people and this has not served me well during my recent chutney-making endeavours. Following a recipe for a lush looking cranberry and jalapeño number, I was informed that I'd need to simmer the mixture for 30 minutes. Total lie. I nursed this baby for SIX HOURS. It totally refused to thicken and then all of a sudden, it magically chutney-ised, cue me happy dancing round the kitchen before tasting it and realising that it tasted nothing like I'd imagined it would. Instead of throwing it against a wall like I wanted to, I took a deep breath and jarred the stuff up. Now I'm just hoping my long-suffering family appreciate the time I put in and don't concentrate too much on what it tastes like. And hey, at least the ingredients photographed nicely. 

So the moral of this story is:

- Good (or in my case, average) things come to those who wait

- It's the thought that counts

- Don't make chutney unless you have the patience of a saint!

I hope you clever creative people have been having more luck than me with your christmas creations! 

Laura xo

Christmas crafting: A pretty thing from tree debris

This is the first year I have ever had a real christmas tree. I can't say I was prepared for the process of hacking bits off and sawing all sorts of things (or bread knifing them, as I did) before the you can even put the thing up. However, a happy side effect of all the blunt-knife-hacking that I undertook last night was several lush green tree off cuts.

Using these otherwise wasted bits and a couple of cute ornaments I got free from a christmas magazine, I made a sweet little decoration for my front door. It was really simple- I laid the of cuts on a worktop and arranged them into a pretty shape, using some jewellery wire to fasten them in place. I then strung the ornaments onto the branches just as I did on the tree, and used a little more wire to hold them on when it was all hung vertically. To finish off the aesthetic elements, I salvaged a bit of old Christmas rope from the decorations box and wound it round a few times to cover the wire holding the twigs together. I then tied it in a simple bow.

And done! To hang the decoration on the door, I wound a last piece of wire around the top leaving plenty loose at the top. This was then doubled over and fastened at the base to create a loop for hanging. Mine looks really cute hung on my front door, but I've had to rescue it for the night from the gale force winds we're currently experiencing! 

Have any of you guys come up with any interesting ways to use up tree debris?

Laura xo 

A note on loving yourself

In my final year of university I found myself in a relationship with a guy I thought I really liked but who didn't seem to like me all that much. Now, if he read this, he'd be heartbroken and tell you that's nonsense, and perhaps he'd be right, but for ten straight months I spent every day questioning where I was going wrong. How could I make him care? Was I dressing the wrong way? Was I annoying? Did he not enjoy my company? Did I need to talk about different topics, be more classy, more educated, prettier, skinnier? Each day I carefully monitored my actions to try and achieve the seemingly impossible- being worthy of his affection.

I'm well aware how pathetic this sounds and in hindsight, I'm a little ashamed of myself. I was so concerned with pleasing another person that I was completely neglecting to please myself. I built my opinion of myself around the compliments (or lack of) that he gave me and decided that if I wasn't worthy of him then I was worthless altogether. At the very same time, I was achieving first class grades in my university work, giving my time for free on several voluntary projects and maintaining a vast number of successful friendships, all of which should have given me some hint that I was far from useless.

Since ending that relationship and taking some time to myself, I've decided that an attitude change is in order. Some people will love you, some will hate you, and some just won't care either way and sometimes that can be the hardest. Learning to love yourself is absolutely vital, and way more important than being loved by other people. I'm now unashamedly proud of my achievements and have more belief in myself than ever, all without the constant approval of a significant other. Of course, I'm not advising marching around and announcing all the things that make you wonderful, but I think if we all spent a bit more time announcing to ourselves all of the things that make us wonderful, we'd all be in a happier place.

So take a bit of time for some self love, remind yourself of all the amazing things you've achieved and never rely on anyone else to make you feel worthwhile. You're awesome.

Laura xo